My fingers and toes are crossed

I’m waiting (not so patiently) to hear the results of my blood test this morning.

I have no reason to think this month was any different than all the other months we’ve been trying so desperately to get pregnant.  Just hope. I want this.  We want this. There is this deep ache in my chest every time I let myself think I just might be pregnant.  I’m scared every time I go to the bathroom knowing that I might see blood, praying desperately not to.

You would think that going through all the testing I have this month would have made me more anxious, but somehow it made me more relaxed.  Just knowing that we were finding so many good things out about my body. How it works and how everything looks.  To look at a monitor and see this big (I know just on the monitor) egg and think that could be something….maybe having the doctor tell me exactly when to have sex was all we needed. Maybe all these struggles have just been bad timing. Hey one can hope right?

I’m not trying to be all sad here, just get some of this off my chest.  I have so many good friends that listen to me vent and talk to myself basically all the time.  I love that I have that support.  I love that my husband still has such optimism.  Just this morning I said to him, so now we wait to see what happens with the blood work and if my period arrives. And his response was, hopefully it doesn’t arrive.

Such a weird feeling to know that we’ve grown to the point of really really wanting this. Not just saying, lets have a baby or I think we should start trying, but to really really wanting. For us, for our unborn children, for our families….it will happen in time.

Just this week I’ve heard so many pregnancy announcements and they don’t make me sad, they make me hopeful that I’m next. That I’ll get to share such great news with all my friends soon enough.

So fingers crossed please…or pray…or do whatever you do when you need/want some serious good vibes.