Lying

I’m struggling a lot right now. Not only with infertility in general but I also realized that so much of my struggle comes from not being able to be honest with people.   I lie to people regularly about when we’re going to have kids, why we’re waiting, where I go in the middle of the day if I have a doctors appointment, why I obstain from drinking…and to my mom about why I can’t go on family vacation with them.

We’re not sharing our infertility with a lot of people.  My older sister knows because she knew when Ben and I started trying to conceive and my sister in law knows because she has struggled with infertility and so I confided in her.  Otherwise, I have a couple of girlfriends that know and nobody else has any clue what we’ve been going through.

Sometimes I wish others knew and other days I’m glad people don’t know so I’m not getting those looks people give you when they feel bad for you.  If that makes sense. 

It’s such a burden some days to know that you’re keeping something so important in your life away from the people you’re closest to.  My younger sister for example lives with us.  She doesn’t know where I’m going when I have multiple 7am appointments during the week, but knows work doesn’t start that early.  She doesn’t understand when I’m in a terrible mood because AF has arrived.  She doesn’t understand why Ben has stopped drinking. And I wouldn’t want her to know.  But sometimes I wish she knew what I was going through so she didn’t think I was just being a bitch or something.

I don’t know.

This cycles IUI’s weren’t awesome.  Ben’s numbers weren’t good at all.  But we still hope.