the longing, the hurt, the hope

Because at this point hope is all we have.

I long for a child.  Beyond that basic want, I think it’s impossible for someone who hasn’t gone through infertility to have any idea what it feels like. 1 in 8 people struggle with infertility. Take a look at the number of friends you have on Facebook and consider those odds, the number of people that you possible don’t even realize may be dealing with infertility.

Every time I see a child or a pregnant lady I think of what I don’t have

Every time  I see my husband with our nieces and nephews I wonder if his longing is as deep as mine, and I stare at him in amazement and can’t get over what  good father I can only pray he’ll get the chance to be one day.

 Every time someone just asks when we’re going to have kids it cuts me deep in my core

 Every time my period arrives I immediately feel a sense of loss at what could have been

 Every time I get a bill from the Reproductive Endocrinologists office I think of all the money we’re spending to have the chance to maybe just maybe be parents one day

 Every time I’m invited to an event where everyone is bringing babies I know immediately that I’m not going to attend that party. 

Every.single.day, multiple times a day…..all.day.long really, I think of the family that my husband and I want that is so hard for us to get. I see little girls with curly hair and wonder if our child will get my curly hair.  I think about all the attributes Ben has that I want our child to get: his smile, his laugh, his strength and work ethic, his personality, his love….I want a child that is the two of us.