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My heart is breaking

18 July 2013

I feel like I’m losing the last piece of hope we had at having a baby.  I’m sure I’m being dramatic, but Ben has told me many times that if this IVF cycle doesn’t work he doesn’t want to continue on with treatments.

I cried yesterday when I was talking to my sister.
I cried when I talked to the nurse about what only 4 embies means for us (she has no clue)
I cried when laid in bed resting my body after a long days work
I cried when I received a sweet message from a friend

How does one continue to have faith without losing all their marbles.  I can’t sleep, I’m trying to immerse myself in work, my body doesn’t want to exercise yet and is still crampy from Tuesday’s procedure.

I ask myself why people that don’t want babies, can have them.  Why do people that can’t afford a car, or housing, or spend all their money on drugs and alcohol get babies and I can’t.  I’m healthy, but now I’m mad. Mad at my body. Mad at people around me. Mad at my RE. Mad at the

I don’t know. I’m at a loss. I’m praying all of our embryos are strong and growing well. I’m terrified to call the RE’s office tomorrow to see how they’re doing.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you and Ben. Keep praying about the embryos being strong and growing well.

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  2. Ugh my heart aches for you both. I know you're on an emotional roller coaster right now so do all the crying that you need. I pray for good news in the next few days. I checked with my aunt that did ivf and she said they fertilzed only three eggs. She has triplet boys now. I know everyone's journey is different, but there is some hope in your situation and the door is still open right now. :::hugs::::

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  3. Hugs, hang in there and know that what you guys decide now doesn't have to be forever. If Ben isn't ready now to continue that doesn't mean he won't be again. It's a tough journey and one that will test not only your emotions but your character as well. Hang in there. Hoping all goes well tomorrow.

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