We fell apart a little last night

My heart is broken and Ben is angry.  He refused to talk about anything and I stuffed my face with wine and food.  He can’t even drink to curb his anger/disappointment.

I don’t know what we’re going to do.  Ben doesn’t want to go back to the RE’s office anytime soon and I of course want to continue on the path to get pregnant.  I think most certainly this next cycle we won’t do anything.  I want Ben to go to a Urologist and I think we both need to heal emotionally a little bit.

Oh, and to top everything off yesterday at work one of the ladies randomly told me that I needed to get on having a baby. That I wasn’t getting any younger and there would never be a good time. So yeah.

No such luck.

The pregnancy test was negative. 

Now I have to tell my husband.  Do you know how hard it is to have to share this kind of news with your spouse every single month.

My heart is broken. My faith is dwindling. 

The wait is going to kill me

My blood work was done at 7:30 and now it’s just a waiting game.

That’s all.

Tomorrow morning is my beta test

I’m anxious.  I actually didn’t even tell Ben that I was going in for blood work because I don’t want him wondering all day long what the results were. If it’s positive I want to be able to tell him in person that I’m pregnant.

I find myself sitting in my office repeating, please be pregnant please be pregnant please be pregnant….like that over and over again.

I’ll be honest. I don’t think it worked because Ben’s numbers were so bad this cycle.  The only reason I have a tad bit of hope is because I haven’t had the normal cramping I get before AF arrives….but I’m also on 400mg of progesterone so that may be holding the cramps at bay.  Who knows.  If it didn’t work than it didn’t work, if it did I’ll cry tears of happiness.

Either way as soon as I know I’ll update everyone…although I only know of about 3 people that consistently read my blog:)

Its Friday, Friday, Friday!!

Thank goodness the weekend has arrived!!

I hope next week is as busy as this week has been. That would really help this 2ww move quickly.

This weekend I don’t really have any plans.  Ben wants to go to Cabela’s so I said I would go with him.  We’re going to stop at a local brewery on our way home for a beer and some dinner.  He’s been so good with not drinking at all, he deserves a beer on a Saturday night.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Lying

I’m struggling a lot right now. Not only with infertility in general but I also realized that so much of my struggle comes from not being able to be honest with people.   I lie to people regularly about when we’re going to have kids, why we’re waiting, where I go in the middle of the day if I have a doctors appointment, why I obstain from drinking…and to my mom about why I can’t go on family vacation with them.

We’re not sharing our infertility with a lot of people.  My older sister knows because she knew when Ben and I started trying to conceive and my sister in law knows because she has struggled with infertility and so I confided in her.  Otherwise, I have a couple of girlfriends that know and nobody else has any clue what we’ve been going through.

Sometimes I wish others knew and other days I’m glad people don’t know so I’m not getting those looks people give you when they feel bad for you.  If that makes sense. 

It’s such a burden some days to know that you’re keeping something so important in your life away from the people you’re closest to.  My younger sister for example lives with us.  She doesn’t know where I’m going when I have multiple 7am appointments during the week, but knows work doesn’t start that early.  She doesn’t understand when I’m in a terrible mood because AF has arrived.  She doesn’t understand why Ben has stopped drinking. And I wouldn’t want her to know.  But sometimes I wish she knew what I was going through so she didn’t think I was just being a bitch or something.

I don’t know.

This cycles IUI’s weren’t awesome.  Ben’s numbers weren’t good at all.  But we still hope.

My Maybe Baby!!!

Mabel. That’s what we call her. maybe baby, mabelina, lina, the princess.  During the day she hangs out in my mother in laws veterinary clinic.  Here she is from yesterday, clearly bored. 

IUI #2 is happening this morning.  I dropped off Ben’s sample at 8:00 and I’m up at 9:30. Wish me luck!

IUI #2 is scheduled!

We’re on for Wednesday and Thursday morning.  Wish us luck.

A small issue with Ben giving his sample.  They typically like you to abstain from sex for 48-72 hours before you give a sample. Well Ben and I haven’t had sex since Saturday and that means he needs to release like ASAP, he can’t just wait until Wednesday because at that point your sperm start to die. So the doctor has instructed us to have sex tonight.  That means though that he won’t have 48 in between himself and the IUI. 

This is such a hard game to play.  I’m ovulating several days earlier this cycle than I did last cycle…so I couldn’t have known we needed to be on it like that.

And I’m certainly not going to tell Ben about this little issue because I don’t want it to worry or stress him out resulting in an even worse sample!

I need prayers people.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much Ben and I want this to work.  with every freekin’ fiber of our beings we want this.

Happy Monday

Ben and I had SUCH a great weekend.  The house to ourselves and he didn’t have to work!  Friday night we just laid low and we had sex with our bedroom door open….I mean that there is HUGE! Haha

Saturday I worked out and then Ben and I ran a bunch of errands.  This may sound boring to you, but this is something Ben and I never get to do. He’s always working or I have something going on.  We even had chik fil a for lunch.  I will say though bringing him grocery shopping is in general a bad idea because I ended up spending $200!  I normally spend like $80ish and that food lasts us for a while.  But that’s OK.  he’s eating healthier and has cut all alcohol out of his diet and so he’s supplementing a little with food right now. 

Saturday night we had Ben’s parents over for dinner and then we watched the Campaign with Will Ferrell.  It was a cute movie, nothing amazing like Old School.  And then we crashed.

Sunday we went to lowes and I cleaned my car and the house.  And we went on like a 2 hour long dog walk.

Again, I’m sure this sounds boring to you but this normal weekend stuff most people do is not normal for us and it was so  nice to spend that time with Ben. 

This morning I had a doctor’s appointment and it went OK.  I don’t have nearly as many follies this month as I did last and the lining of my uterus is a little thin.  But I saw the doctor and he was fine with everything and told me not to stress.  I just want this so bad and it’s so hard to see such good results from the Clomid one month and not the next month.  He said my body may just be getting used to the Clomid.  Ugh.  He also thinks I’m close to ovulation, which is much earlier in my cycle than normal.  But we won’t know anything for sure until my bloodwork comes back this afternoon.

I hope everyone else had a good weekend!!

I’m an emotional….everything!

I’m an emotional eater first and foremost, an emotional shopper, and emotional drinker, and in general a crier.

But if I’m saving up for a baby or IVF the last thing I need to do is go shopping.  I’ve been soooo good, but I did swing by Target today.  Thank goodness for their $1 section right as you walk in.  I picked up some paper to jot notes down on, and some reusable sandwich bags, a butter dish, and an apple slicer.  I know it’s a random assortment of crap but I feel like I really needed all of it:)

On the eating front, that hasn’t been terrible…and I haven’t been drinking at all except for a couple glasses of wine last Friday.

And I start my clomid tonight so I don’t think my emotions are going to like be normal or anything, hahaha.

I feel more positive this week

Clearly I’m not that good at coming up with clever titles to my posts, it’s just how I feel.  Today is CD3 which means I’m headed into the RE’s office in a little while to do my baseline blood work and ultrasound for this cycle.  I’m not as excited this cycle as I was last cycle, which is maybe a good thing because I really had my hopes up last month. 

This past weekend though was a great mental health/relaxing weekend.  Friday after work I went out for a drink with one of my friends and was able to talk about all the stress surrounding IF and also forget about all the stress surrounding IF.  That’s what friends are for right?  When I got home I found that my husband and his friend had finished installing the crown molding in our master bedroom!  Friday night I ended up drinking maybe one to many glasses of wine, but I needed it.

Saturday I woke up and went to work out.  That always makes me feel better. To get my dance on and really sweat is really the healthiest way to release all the tension in my body and mind….and I ate fairly bad last week as a result of my bad news regarding the IUI, so my ass appreciated the workout.

After the workout I did a small amount of cleaning at the house and then went shopping at BJ’s with my mother in law.  She truly is wonderful to be around. She’s happy, thoughtful, caring, and best of all a good friend.  I know not many people can say that about their in-laws but I’m blessed that I can. 

Saturday night Ben went out with a friend that was in town and I stayed home to read.  I was asleep by 9:30.  Read:lame.

Sunday we cleaned! After hanging cabinets in our laundry room and installing crown molding in the master bedroom, there was sawdust and crap everywhere.  So the whole house had to be dusted, vacuumed, mopped…covers changed on the sofa, bed linens cleaned.  Oh and the top of the refrigerator and cabinets also had to be cleaned because of the saw dust.  I’m so happy that’s done.  We’ll just need to paint the crown molding now. 

The rest of the day I lounged around and read.  I finished the book Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levinthan and it was fantastic. I mean you have to read it, like yesterday.  and then I started another book called The Stranger I Married by Sylvia Day.  This book I’m not quite finished with yet but it’s a book by the author who wrote the Crossfire Series, which is similar to the 50 Shades of Gray series but more better writing.

And we finished off the day by not watching the super bowl.  We did watch some of the puppy bowl, and we did watch the half time show, but otherwise sports were not a part of our Sunday at all.

I hope everyone else had a good weekend.  Mine was just what I needed.  This weekend I’m going to leave town with a friend, just to get away from the chaos of it all for a little while.  I need to drink a margarita and just let go of my stresses right now.  Ben is fully on board with this and understands I need some time.  I’m putting my body through so much right now and my mental health is like on the brink some days….I have already cried twice today, so yeah.