We’re off to see another Urologist

When talking through our TTC journey with our new counselor we were discussing what we’ve done so far and why we took the steps we’ve taken in order to bring us to where we are now.

Her first question was why didn’t we go see the BEST male factor infertility urologist in this area.  She said over and over again, I’m not a doctor, but every patient I’ve seen with MFI has seen this doctor before moving forward with fertility treatments. (and she has lots of patients that go to my RE)

I asked our RE over and over again about getting Ben into see a urologist and he said it wasn’t necessary. Ben does have sperm and his count is borderline, morphology and mobility not so good….so we sent him one anyways on our own, the RE didn’t even know we were going. which was good that needed to happen, but why weren’t we referred to the BEST in the area by my RE. His office is literally right across the street from our RE’s office. At least as a second opinion.

I’m upset. I feel like we skipped a step (even though we didn’t), like we were led down the wrong path.  I’m pissed at the RE. maybe I have no reason to be, Ben did to a TON of testing with the RE and the other urologist, we talked through all of his results.…..But why didn’t we see the best?! Especially if his office was right there??

So this morning I scheduled an appt. for Ben with the BEST.  It’s not until September 20^th, but we’ll see where it goes.

I’m wondering if I need to start researching different RE’s.

I’m drinking again

And honestly I don’t like it, I love it! I needed a couple glasses of wine on Saturday night at dinner and I was able to blissfully spend time with friends and family without worrying about life.

Ben is doing better. He is talking about everything and said he is willing to continue to try and get pregnant naturally. He is still very opposed to going back to the doctor. I know I was quite worried I would end up resenting him in the future and thank you everyone for your thoughts on this.  I really really hope that now that he’s past last week’s initial shock of everything that things will turn around for us. we’ll see.

I started my period on Sunday and it’s been hell.  I have always had terrible periods but this one is unbelievably heavy and the cramps were almost unbearable yesterday. I laid around with a heating pad on my belly just tried to focus my mind on the book I was reading instead of my pain.

I am going to go back to working out tonight. It’s been 2 weeks since I did anything and my ass is begging me to move. Generally working out makes me feel better, but it’s just the furthest thing from my mind. Wish me luck tonight because I’m sure I’ll get my butt kicked.

p.s. I’m reading the Harry Potter books right now and I’m loving them. How did I never read these?

I'm just going to ramble

Do you remember that line in Home Alone with the mom, Kate McCallister says, “ If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son”.

That’s how I feel, but not about getting home to my son of course, but about having a child.

My mother in law offered last night to pay for another round of IVF for us. I had to tell her no. 1^st, we have the money and I hate taking money from other people, 2^nd Ben is finished.

How do get past wanting something so badly and being willing to do anything to get it, and at the same time deal with the fact that my husband is giving up? Will he feel the same way in a couple of months? Will I resent him eventually for not wanting to do more treatments?

Tuesday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss what happened and what he thinks we should do going forward.  Ben refuses to go but I need answers. My mother in law offered to go, but I think I’ll just go alone.  I’m mad at Ben, I’m hurt by him, by what we’re going through, and by the fact that I feel like he’s making me deal with this alone.

Today

This morning felt better. I felt like I could get out of bed and continue on with my day.

But now not so much. I cry at random times. I don’t have the strength to call my mother in law back and hear her tell me how sorry she is.

My husband hasn’t been to work in 2 days.  I need him to be strong for me but he himself is falling apart. And who can blame him.

How to move on

I don’t know how to do this.  IVF was our last shot at getting pregnant.  We will not continue with fertility treaments.

How does a person move on and accept the fact that they will most likely never have kids?

I read a blog last night of a woman who can’t have children. The entire post was spent bashing women who feel their lives won’t be as good without children in them, other women struggling with infertility. She mentioned that she has a wonderful life, car, house, and is able to travel because she couldn’t have kids.  I would go without everything in order to have children, so who is this woman to put other women down because their dream was to have kids.  To me life is about family, not the material things.

I hope one day Ben and I are able to find peace with what we’re going through. That day isn’t today and won’t be tomorrow. Today we’re sad and angry.

Where to go from here

Its over for us. We didn’t have any embryos survive. I’m at a complete loss.

I don’t where we go from here. Today I’m going to work to try and keep my mind off of everything. I have so much to do and a 5:00 meeting I can’t get out of so I’m just going to immerse myself.

We will eventually have to sit down and talk to the RE. I don’t know how I can do that. I just don’t know.

One step closer

I was shaking calling the RE’s office this morning, I had trouble dialing the phone. My heart was pounding harder making that phone call than when I went bungee jumping in New Zealand.

All 4 embryos continue to grow!!! I am unbelievable excited and relieved.  We have 2 more days of growing and then we can freeze them.

Please keep us in your prayers/thoughts/heart, whatever you believe in.  Thank you all for all your kind words , I am well aware I’m an emotional mess.

Last night Ben made me go out to dinner with some friends to keep my mind off everything and it worked. I was so exhausted when I got home that I passed right out…tomorrow I might just need to hit up the Nordstrom’s Anniversary sale in order to keep my mind off of everything.

My heart is breaking

I feel like I’m losing the last piece of hope we had at having a baby.  I’m sure I’m being dramatic, but Ben has told me many times that if this IVF cycle doesn’t work he doesn’t want to continue on with treatments.

I cried yesterday when I was talking to my sister.

I cried when I talked to the nurse about what only 4 embies means for us (she has no clue)
I cried when laid in bed resting my body after a long days work
I cried when I received a sweet message from a friend

How does one continue to have faith without losing all their marbles.  I can’t sleep, I’m trying to immerse myself in work, my body doesn’t want to exercise yet and is still crampy from Tuesday’s procedure.

I ask myself why people that don’t want babies, can have them.  Why do people that can’t afford a car, or housing, or spend all their money on drugs and alcohol get babies and I can’t.  I’m healthy, but now I’m mad. Mad at my body. Mad at people around me. Mad at my RE. Mad at the

I don’t know. I’m at a loss. I’m praying all of our embryos are strong and growing well. I’m terrified to call the RE’s office tomorrow to see how they’re doing.

FERT Report

We only had 4 mature eggs, but all 4 did fertilize. So that’s good.

We’re a bit disappointed that I didn’t have more mature eggs. I have a called the RE’s office to see what the chances are that the embryo’s make it to day 5 and can be frozen and thawed successfully. They didn’t really have an answer for me since everyone’s situation is so different. They said that the fact that all 4 mature eggs fertilized is a really good sign, but that’s about all advice/words they could give. I have to be patient.  I have to trust in the doctors and God.

We’re quite scared and upset right now. we know we just need to have faith, but its proving to be very difficult.

ER Update/Results

Everything went well yesterday at my egg retrieval. I was nervous going into the procedure but it was over so quickly and they were able to retrieve 9 eggs! Which is a fairly average number, we want quality not quantity.  I did cry when I was waking up from the anesthesia and I totally scared Ben! He was like please stop crying, haha.  I wasn’t sad or in pain, just emotional I guess. So he got me some chicken nuggets and french fries as a treat on our way home from the hospital. They have my eggs so my diet doesn’t need to be sooo strict, er, at least that’s what I chose to believe yesterday. today I’m back on the healthy bandwagon.

There is some change in the IVF cycle plan though. Apparently while we were holding off ovulation with medications my body continued through a normal cycle process and is ready now to implant an embryo.  But science is still 5 days away from implantation.   So whatever eggs are fertilized we will freeze and transfer back into my body next cycle.

So we’re yet again pushed back in this process.  The doctor is very optimistic though with everything that’s happening. He would rather wait to put the embryo into my body, then transfer it back when my body isn’t willing to accept it.

My clinics success rate for freeze/de thaw of an embryo is 95%, and they said there success rates with pregnancy during a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is also almost 100% because they’re able to time and plan perfectly when your body wants to accept that embryo.

So you guys have another month of hearing about me getting injections and taking medicine. But we’re getting closer.

Now we just wait to see how many of my eggs are actually fertilized and make it to 5 days so they can be frozen.  We’re hoping to hear the results of the FERT report (what I just described) sometime today.  So please keep us in your thoughts!!

 

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval

I was at the doctor’s office both Saturday morning and Sunday morning to get blood work done and have ultrasounds to measure and see how everything is going, and things are right where they need to be! I also had to go in this morning for more blood work. I can’t wait until I’m not getting hit with a needle several times a day.

Tomorrow is going to be my egg retrieval.  I’m excited and nervous. I have to give myself an enema tonight which I’m not stoked about.  I mean look at the photos that are on the back of the box. 

 



Yes, in one of those positions I’m supposed to give myself an enema….I mean in option 2 it looks like you would need to have a helper to get it done, and frankly that is even more disturbing than giving the enema in the first place!

Anyways, we have to move on from that because, yeah, eeeww.

Ben and I had a great past weekend and I want to tell you all about it but I’m currently bleeding work. and it doesn’t help that I won’t be here tomorrow, but people will live, and projects will continue. So until then, here is a picture taken in a photo booth at the wedding we went to on Friday night.

Look at us, crazy in love:)

 





Monitoring appt. update

I had a monitoring appt. this morning and all is looking good.

I started my meds on Saturday night and I'm not loving giving myself shots but it’s not as terrible as I had anticipated. I don't really have any side effects yet, a little dizziness yesterday but I’ve upped my water intake and that seems to have taken care of that issue. And I am starting to feel pressure in my abdomen, but its still very slight.

I currently have five follies (which doesn't seem like a lot??). Dr. said I was right on track with where he wanted me to be. One on the right and four on the left and I am awaiting the results of my blood work. I go back on Thursday for another monitoring appt, and probably Saturday. The doctor said that I'll probably have ER sometime mid week next week. so I’m excited and nervous.

I did have them check my AMH (which gauges approximately how many eggs you have left in your ovaries) levels even though he didn't think it was necessary and that came in at 2.1, which he was very happy with. he said anything over 1 is great.

so that’s it. I worry I’m forgetting to ask some important question every time I go in there, but I think that’s just my anxiety.

Happy Monday

I hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend.  Mine had some good and some bad.

First the bad news: one of my chickens died. We think it was the heat, but just aren’t sure.  I’m sad but my father in law says this is just a part of being a farmer:(

On a brighter note regarding the chickens, we were able to get the new chicken coop we built hauled over to our house and all set up.  Our chickens are now living the life! We even planted some lilies around their new house.

 

 

 

What else…oh yes, I started injections which I briefly mentioned yesterday morning.  It’s going fine, day 3 and I already feel like a pro at stabbing myself with the needles.  I’ve only got one bruise, so I’m hoping that means my bruising will be kept to a minimum.  It’s helpful that I’m quite tan right now so bruises wouldn’t be that easy to see.  As for side effects I have had a bit of a headache, but I get them all the time so when I read on the paperwork a headache could be a result of the meds I knew I was destined to  have a continual headache for a bit.  It’s worth it though!

But life doesn’t stop because you want to  have a baby! Thursday and part of Friday I spent some time at the pool. Here is Mabel after she stole my chair! Go get a drink of water and I return to find this little cutie sharing my towel.

 

Yesterday we hit the water and went for a canoe ride. Somehow we were able to finish it in about 3.5 hours so once we were home Ben and I were able to get some flowers planted.  Still lots we want to do, but we'll  get there eventually.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  I leave you with a photo of my husband’s latest obsession: the root beer float!

I’m off to see the wizard!

Just kidding, I’m headed to the RE’s office right now for my baseline blood work and ultrasound.

Let’s get this babymaking via science moving!

Nutritional Analysis

So before I move forward with IVF I have to do a 3 day nutritional analysis.  Apparently there is some research that shows that high protein low carb diets aid in making an IVF cycle more successful.

So I need to set up to do that. What’s important is that I actually maintain a normal diet while I do it so they know what to adjust.  I do think it’s likely that my diet is OK. I make sure to plan fairly well rounded meals, I eat almonds when I have an apple, I don’t drink caffeine, I do drink alcohol but not much (unless I’m out with my friends), I eat mad veggies…so we’ll see

 They want me to do it ASAP so that if there is something about my diet they want to change I can do it and have a month or so more before my IVF cycle starts to prepare my body instead of adjusting my diet 3 days before my IVF cycle starts.

 I’m thinking of starting it tomorrow and doing Thursday – Saturday. Or maybe I’ll do it next Monday – Wednesday.  I do want to get it so that I’m giving my body every advantage to prepare for this upcoming cycle.

IVF is scheduled for July!

so everything went really well with the RE this morning. I asked him a million questions and we discussed how we're going to move forward with IVF.

One thing I was surprised about was that he said he would only put one embryo back in at my transfer. He was very confident that since Ben's sperm is the issue that once we do the ICSI (this is where they actually inject the sperm into the egg instead of just letting them do their own thing) I won't have any issues and i'll get pregnant. I talked to him more about this and the nurse and she told me after he left that if I really wanted him to put two in he probably would. Ben and I will really have to think about this.

His office only does 5 day transfers and he said their live birth rate is 80%.

They apparently do IVF in batches in their office and they just started a cycle so we can't start until the beginning of July which sucks but at least we're scheduled to start.

oh and their pricing went up but since they had already given me pricing they're honoring that. I will pay for 1 live transfer and freezing any other embryo's and if the first cycle doesn't work than all other cycles until my frozen embryo's are gone are covered in that initial payment the only thing I would have to pay for again are the meds, and the cost of those is very minimal.

so I'm hopeful and excited! if one can say they're excited about having IF and having to go through IVF.

Questions for the doctor...

Tomorrow morning Ben and I meet with the RE to discuss starting IVF. 

I have lots of question and I’ve just finished writing them all up because I’ve been searching and thinking and asking questions about what the heck I need to talk to the doctor about tomorrow. I’ve you’re anything like me you go into a doctor’s appointment with the intention of asking a million questions and then when they ask if you have any questions you say, “um no I think I’ve got it!” with a ton of confidence. And then you walk out and by the time you’ve gotten to your car the smile has faded and you’re questioning calling the doctor right.then.and.there to ask them something you forgot.

Wish us luck tomorrow! I hope my period arriving very early this month doesn’t effect when we can start IVF.

Follow Up: Our talk with the In-laws

So we told my IL's about our IF and our upcoming IVF. It didn't go as planned because we were supposed to be doing dinner alone w them and my BIL and SIL showed up. So Ben ended up talking to his dad about it alone and we talked to his mom together about it once everyone left. They were supportive and I told them how much I didn't want anyone knowing. His mom asked me a lot of questions like if we had tried temping and if it was hard for me to be around my niece and I told her it isn't it just reaffirms my desire and reminds me what we're working toward.

I also talked to my mother in law about how worried I was that my father in law was going to be insensitive about the situation and I explained to her why.  She said, I know he can be insensitive and I will talk to him about it.

So it’s done.  I don’t feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m glad we have the support if we need it but I still think that if we didn’t need to tell them for scheduling purposes for Ben’s work I wouldn’t have told them at all.   I don’t like to think about anyone feeling sorry for me or wondering what’s going on or asking questions….

In other news I started my period on Saturday right before we left to go share our news, which sucked.  Sunday I just laid around the house and took advantage of the fact that my husband wanted to do nothing, which never happens!

 I hope everyone had a good weekend!

We’ve decided to tell Ben’s parents

When we decided to move forward with IVF Ben and I knew there was going to be a point that we needed to tell his parents, we’ve been debating telling them for some time now.  He works for his dad, and thus far we’ve been able to keep it to ourselves, but with IVF there are going to be more doctors’ appointments and I’m going to need him to bring me to and from the hospital for my egg retrieval and I’ll need his emotional support more than ever.

This means Ben will miss work.  and we can scoot around the truth every once in a while but there is going to be a solid month or more where we won’t be able to.

 Saturday night we’re going to have dinner with his parents to relieve ourselves of this burden of holding such an emotional secret.  I know his mom will be supportive, but I’m unsure of his dad.  I love his dad but he’s old school and he tends to make jokes and easily place blame on people.  When my sister in law had 2 miscarriages I had to listen to him talk about the fact that it was her age, that was the reason for the miscarriages. He was ruthless, and it hurt me to hear him talk like that.  I defended her and I prayed my sister in law never heard the way he was talking.  He used to be a dairy farmer, he called her an dry cow.  That might sound insensitive, and it is, but he really is a good man…he just doesn’t respond well to stuff like this.  If we didn’t have to share this information because of Ben’s work than I wouldn’t tell his dad at all. 

I’m scared he won’t be able to keep a secret. I’m scared he’ll be insensitive.  I’m scared that all the blame will be placed on me and he’ll tell people it’s my fault when in reality our issue is with Ben’s sperm. But I would never offer that information up because I don’t think Ben would deal with it very well.  I would take the wrath/joking so that he could avoid the pain.

I can’t escape it

My older sister knows what we’re going through.  She knows I can’t get pregnant, knows that we’re going to have to do IVF.  Yet yesterday when I tell her I’m tired and I shouldn’t be because I slept fine her reply was, “well maybe you’re pregnant?”

 That hurt.  Those comments always hurt.  And when they come from someone who knows how badly you hurt and what you’re going through its even worse.