The wait is going to kill me

My blood work was done at 7:30 and now it’s just a waiting game.

That’s all.

Tomorrow morning is my beta test

I’m anxious.  I actually didn’t even tell Ben that I was going in for blood work because I don’t want him wondering all day long what the results were. If it’s positive I want to be able to tell him in person that I’m pregnant.

I find myself sitting in my office repeating, please be pregnant please be pregnant please be pregnant….like that over and over again.

I’ll be honest. I don’t think it worked because Ben’s numbers were so bad this cycle.  The only reason I have a tad bit of hope is because I haven’t had the normal cramping I get before AF arrives….but I’m also on 400mg of progesterone so that may be holding the cramps at bay.  Who knows.  If it didn’t work than it didn’t work, if it did I’ll cry tears of happiness.

Either way as soon as I know I’ll update everyone…although I only know of about 3 people that consistently read my blog:)

Its Friday, Friday, Friday!!

Thank goodness the weekend has arrived!!

I hope next week is as busy as this week has been. That would really help this 2ww move quickly.

This weekend I don’t really have any plans.  Ben wants to go to Cabela’s so I said I would go with him.  We’re going to stop at a local brewery on our way home for a beer and some dinner.  He’s been so good with not drinking at all, he deserves a beer on a Saturday night.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Lying

I’m struggling a lot right now. Not only with infertility in general but I also realized that so much of my struggle comes from not being able to be honest with people.   I lie to people regularly about when we’re going to have kids, why we’re waiting, where I go in the middle of the day if I have a doctors appointment, why I obstain from drinking…and to my mom about why I can’t go on family vacation with them.

We’re not sharing our infertility with a lot of people.  My older sister knows because she knew when Ben and I started trying to conceive and my sister in law knows because she has struggled with infertility and so I confided in her.  Otherwise, I have a couple of girlfriends that know and nobody else has any clue what we’ve been going through.

Sometimes I wish others knew and other days I’m glad people don’t know so I’m not getting those looks people give you when they feel bad for you.  If that makes sense. 

It’s such a burden some days to know that you’re keeping something so important in your life away from the people you’re closest to.  My younger sister for example lives with us.  She doesn’t know where I’m going when I have multiple 7am appointments during the week, but knows work doesn’t start that early.  She doesn’t understand when I’m in a terrible mood because AF has arrived.  She doesn’t understand why Ben has stopped drinking. And I wouldn’t want her to know.  But sometimes I wish she knew what I was going through so she didn’t think I was just being a bitch or something.

I don’t know.

This cycles IUI’s weren’t awesome.  Ben’s numbers weren’t good at all.  But we still hope.

I tested this morning

I had been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to take a pregnancy test before my blood work on Friday, and I couldn’t hold out any longer.  I decided that I wanted to know before I got a phone call at work telling me I wasn’t pregnant. So I tested and it was negative.  I kind of expected it so I’m OK, but my husband isn’t.  I need to make him a really special dinner tonight or something….I need to do something to cheer him up.  

I feel like I should have more to say on the matter but I don’t. I’m kind of numb to the BFN.  And also it never really hits me hard until I start my period, which won’t happen until I stop taking the progesterone.  Which is another thing that sucks. Knowing you’re not pregnant and still having to stick those darn things up your vagina….and then the leaking. Yuck. My RE said that I needed to continue to take them until I get the blood work results.

So until next cycle.

So I’m out this cycle ::Updated::

I can’t even begin to describe the pit in my stomach this morning when I took my temperature and saw that it had dropped to 97.3 degrees.  This means that AF is on her way.  I guess there is a slight chance that it was an implantation dip but that’s highly unlikely.  I hesitantly told Ben at 5:45am. See I had to wake up this morning to go get blood work done, to see what my progesterone levels are.  Which is so early, especially on a Monday…and then to see that on the thermometer basically made my heart drop.  Ben’s response when I told him was, what the fuck? And then to have to go have blood work done for a cycle you know is over is even worse.  I didn’t see a doctor and you really can’t know what’s happening until AF arrives…but yeah.

So here I am just waiting.  What do we do next cycle?  I think Ben and I would like to do another IUI cycle…but I guess I’ll have to talk to the doctor about it.  Until then I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head.

Just talked to the doctor and she wants me to up my progesterone tonight from 100mg to 200mg and I’ll do that until AF arrives or my doctor’s appointment on Friday.

I’m ready for this weekend.

This week has been rough for me. I’m trying to keep my spirits up but I’m tired and emotional. I’m using this progesterone suppositories right now and they’re terrible. I mean beyond terrible. And you insert them and within like 3 minutes you feel like you’re peeing your pants. Seriously. I put them in and lay in bed praying I don’t need to get up and actually pee. And I’m back to that point in my cycle where every time I pee I am scared I’ll see blood. My temperature was still up this morning so that’s a good sign. But I don’t want to jinx myself and this that means anything at this point. 

This weekend should be fun, I’ll get to see some friends and enjoy a birthday party.  My house needs cleaned though and I have a 12:00 meeting on a Saturday, so we’ll see what I actually get done.

Happy Weekend to you all!!

Just trying to keep busy

I’m working, reading (3 books over the weekend), working out, cleaning…anything and everything to keep my mind off of what’s going on in our world.  But I can’t. I can’t even escape it while I’m sleeping.  On Saturday night I stayed home reading and my husband went out bowling with some friends. He came home a bit tipsy and started going on and on about how this was our month and he was sure that  I was going to be pregnant and about how there was a baby inside me already.  Again he was tipsy, and frankly I don’t know that he knows that there actually couldn’t quite be a baby inside of me yet…but he was drunkish and emotional. And that’s hard. So not even while I’m sleeping can I get away with not thinking about everything.

I’m also kind of trying to stay away from my normal day to day routine. I feel like if I can change it up a bit than the time will pass faster. At work I work hard and nonstop and at home I’m reading, cleaning, cooking or wanting to go to the gym.

Speaking of the gym the doctor says I can work out all I want. I’m a very physical person, nothing new, so continuing my high intensity workouts are OK.

I went in for an ultrasound yesterday morning and I did indeed ovulate on both sides, so that’s great.  Tomorrow night I will start taking progesterone suppositories, which I hear are a mess.  You have to stick them up your vagina.  Apparently a panty liner is a must when using them.  And If I do get pregnant than I’ll have to use them all the way through 10 weeks of pregnancy.

OK. I’m tired and have lots to do some I’m going to scurry on, but I just wanted to stop by and give an update.