Just another shocking conversation

So after I had my blood work done this morning to confirm that I was not pregnant I talked to the doctor about what our next steps are.  She suggests that we do one more IUI and then move onto IVF.  With my husband’s sperm not being stellar, this makes the most sense and she thinks this is going to give us our best chance at getting pregnant.

I cried.  I'm feeling so heartbroken all the time.  I have my cycle day 3 blood work and ultrasound on Monday so I’m working on a list of questions for them right now.

Why/When/How did we get here?  I felt this way when I first learned about having to do the IUI and now here we are so quickly facing the reality that this next month is maybe going to be our last month with the RE until we save up for IVF.  Ben and I are both emotional and exhausted, and are going to be  broke here soon too.

I’m praying desperately that I can get pregnant this cycle so that we don’t have to figure out how to make IVF financially possible for us.  I can tell you for sure though that we’re going on serious budget lockdown right now. 

I tested this morning

I had been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to take a pregnancy test before my blood work on Friday, and I couldn’t hold out any longer.  I decided that I wanted to know before I got a phone call at work telling me I wasn’t pregnant. So I tested and it was negative.  I kind of expected it so I’m OK, but my husband isn’t.  I need to make him a really special dinner tonight or something….I need to do something to cheer him up.  

I feel like I should have more to say on the matter but I don’t. I’m kind of numb to the BFN.  And also it never really hits me hard until I start my period, which won’t happen until I stop taking the progesterone.  Which is another thing that sucks. Knowing you’re not pregnant and still having to stick those darn things up your vagina….and then the leaking. Yuck. My RE said that I needed to continue to take them until I get the blood work results.

So until next cycle.

So I’m out this cycle ::Updated::

I can’t even begin to describe the pit in my stomach this morning when I took my temperature and saw that it had dropped to 97.3 degrees.  This means that AF is on her way.  I guess there is a slight chance that it was an implantation dip but that’s highly unlikely.  I hesitantly told Ben at 5:45am. See I had to wake up this morning to go get blood work done, to see what my progesterone levels are.  Which is so early, especially on a Monday…and then to see that on the thermometer basically made my heart drop.  Ben’s response when I told him was, what the fuck? And then to have to go have blood work done for a cycle you know is over is even worse.  I didn’t see a doctor and you really can’t know what’s happening until AF arrives…but yeah.

So here I am just waiting.  What do we do next cycle?  I think Ben and I would like to do another IUI cycle…but I guess I’ll have to talk to the doctor about it.  Until then I just have to wait for AF to rear her ugly head.

Just talked to the doctor and she wants me to up my progesterone tonight from 100mg to 200mg and I’ll do that until AF arrives or my doctor’s appointment on Friday.

Just trying to keep busy

I’m working, reading (3 books over the weekend), working out, cleaning…anything and everything to keep my mind off of what’s going on in our world.  But I can’t. I can’t even escape it while I’m sleeping.  On Saturday night I stayed home reading and my husband went out bowling with some friends. He came home a bit tipsy and started going on and on about how this was our month and he was sure that  I was going to be pregnant and about how there was a baby inside me already.  Again he was tipsy, and frankly I don’t know that he knows that there actually couldn’t quite be a baby inside of me yet…but he was drunkish and emotional. And that’s hard. So not even while I’m sleeping can I get away with not thinking about everything.

I’m also kind of trying to stay away from my normal day to day routine. I feel like if I can change it up a bit than the time will pass faster. At work I work hard and nonstop and at home I’m reading, cleaning, cooking or wanting to go to the gym.

Speaking of the gym the doctor says I can work out all I want. I’m a very physical person, nothing new, so continuing my high intensity workouts are OK.

I went in for an ultrasound yesterday morning and I did indeed ovulate on both sides, so that’s great.  Tomorrow night I will start taking progesterone suppositories, which I hear are a mess.  You have to stick them up your vagina.  Apparently a panty liner is a must when using them.  And If I do get pregnant than I’ll have to use them all the way through 10 weeks of pregnancy.

OK. I’m tired and have lots to do some I’m going to scurry on, but I just wanted to stop by and give an update.

IUI is done!

Last night Ben and I were together, alone in our house, something that doesn’t happen that often.  He was just getting out of the shower when I got home and we had a nice long chat about today.  I asked him if he was nervous, and he said yes but that he was also excited. And then he said, I’m ready to be a dad. I want to be a dad, Andrea.

My heart melted. I feel like sometimes in the mix of all this TTC we lose track of what we’re really doing.  Not actually lose track but that we don’t end up  talking about our feelings that much.  I don’t want him to think I’m an emotional nutcase, and he doesn’t want me to worry or to know he’s worried because he’s supposed to be the strong one.

It was a special moment for me. for us.

I didn’t think I would be nervous this morning but I was. First I sat in the waiting room for almost 45 minutes before they brought me back for my insemination. Thank goodness I had a book I was very into.  Once I actually made it into the room I sat 1/2 dressed rolling the beads on my fertility bracelet. But it was over before I even knew it!! Our first insemination was done at about 9:15 this morning! Ben’s numbers came back better than when he gave for his semen analysis so I was happy about that.

He called me on his way home from the doctor’s office and actually thought he’d done worse, but he didn’t, he did better! I’m hoping this good news helps him tomorrow when he has to give his sample for the next insemination.

I’m hopeful. Scared I’ll be disappointed, but still very hopeful.  I didn’t feel anything during the insemination and now a couple hours later I feel slight twinges in my uterus area…but nothing really, no cramping or soreness. 

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes as smoothly!!

Our IUI is scheduled!!

Tomorrow morning Ben goes in at 7:30 and I’ll go in at 8:30!

At my appointment this morning everything went well. I have two follies that were measuring 25mm and 26mm.  The doctor said that they’ll both most likely produce eggs but there is no way for sure of know if they both do.  I’m so excited!  And since Ben’s appointment is at 7:30 he won’t have to tell his dad anything. Gah. Such a weight off our shoulders.

I really hope his sperm count is good. really really praying.  I don’t want him to know that if the numbers are too low there is a possibility they won’t do the insemination. I just hope he doesn’t get nervous. Don’t get nervous, don’t get nervous, don’t get nervous.

We need all the prayers, well wishes, happy thoughts, and baby dust we can get. So please think about us tomorrow pretty pretty pleaseJ

My fertility bracelet

I have this online group of friends that I met years ago…I think I’ve known them all for about 5 years.  Every year we do a Christmas present exchange and this year my secret santa sent me a fertility bracelet (along with other things) that she wore when she was struggling with infertility.  There are two charms on it, one that says hope and the other is a turtle which is the sign for fertility. She wore it to all her doctor’s appointments and since I received it, I’ve been doing the same thing. She now has a beautiful baby girl! 

Today on my way to the RE I looked down at my wrist and it was so comforting to know that I had her support and love, and that I also had this special gift from her.  I can only imagine how special the bracelet became to her and for her to be able to share it with me is so unbelievable, I feel so blessed to have her in my life. 

Today’s appointment went well. I have two follies measuring 20mm and my lining is measuring at a 9.5 which is perfect.  So we’ll continue to monitor me and hope things continue to progress as wonderfully as they have so far. Blood work is due in later today.  The doctor would like for the follies to be about 25mm before I ovulate, but we’ll just have to wait and see what they do.  At this point the doctor is planning on letting me ovulate on my own but they will trigger ovulation if they have to.

It Friday, FRIDAY!

Thank goodness for Friday. Mine didn’t start awesome. I woke up at 5:45 and proceeded to get ready. I don’t know what I did or how I lost time, or what happened to the clock on my phone, but at 6:44 I realized my phone clock was off by 11 minutes. And I hadn’t dried my hair yet. I had a 25 minute drive and a 7:15 Doctors appointment.

So yeah it was interesting. I did make it there though only one minute late. I hate being late.

But the doctors appointment went fine.  My follies are growing, although not all of them are, which is normal. I still have multiple on both sides but the dominant ones are both 12mm and 16mm, same on both the left and right.  the doctor thinks that the 12mm folies will die off and I’ll be left with one on each side, which would be great.

My blood work results came in a bit earlier today than normal, and everything is fine and right on track.  We were instructed to have sex tomorrow and then I’ll have another ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I still don’t know when the actual IUI will be. Maybe Tuesday morning? we’ll see, obviously I’ll keep you updated.

I still feel pretty bloated but not as bad as yesterday. there is just so much happening in my lower abdomen right now!

And I think that’s it.  This weekend I need to skip any alcohol and just relax and make sure I don’t get stressed.  I was going to go out with some friends tonight but I think I need to skip it.  Tomorrow night I’m going to have dinner with my sister in law, mother in law, and sister, which should be a ton of fun and nice and relaxing.  MIL is really going to give me a hard time about not drinking.  The past couple of Tuesday’s I’ve told her the reason I’m not drinking is because I decided not to drink during the week, but I’m sure she’ll question me if I don’t drink on a Saturday night!

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!!

Ultrasound update

So I had my ultrasound at the RE’s office this morning.  He said all is looking great. So at CD9 I have 3 follies on the right side and 4 on the left all measuring from 11-14. follies mature into eggs.  The lining of my uterus is measuring at 7, which is good.

Once we get the results of my blood work this afternoon we’ll schedule my next ultrasound which will most likely be Friday or Saturday.

IUI will then be scheduled for the beginning of next week!! things are happening and I'm in a great mood today becasue of it:)

Clomid update

That shit makes you crazy. like super crazy.  yesterday I cried, not an I’m sad cry but an I’m crazy and freaking out and crying and freaking out and then crying because I’m crying kind of crazy. KWIM? You probably wouldn’t unless you experienced the clomid.

My husband looked at me, eyes wide open, and said it’s all in your head (pointing to his head) and went into the basement. Because really he needed to walk away from me.

Oh and my sister was home. You know the one that lives with us that doesn’t know we’re even trying to have a baby, so she obviously doesn’t know I’m on a little white pill that makes people go crazy in exactly 2.5 days.

She also went to the basement. And then I told her I was just having one of those days.

And then later in the evening she put The Notebook on the television. And I cried. Surprised? Then my husband started talking about how my grandparents have that kind of love and how my grandfather is going to be broken when my grandmother passes.

And I went to the basement. Because I was crying.

First Treatment Cycle

I am on cycle day 3 today, so I went in and met with my RE to discuss this month’s game plan.  I hated basically wasting November and December and not doing anything about this infertility, but now I know it was a good thing to do.  My head is in the right place now, my body maybe saw a bit too much candy, but really I’ve never been more ready and healthy to do anything in my life.  I want this and I’m so confident that I have the doctors and team available to me to get it done.

Tomorrow I’ll start on clomid and will take that for 5 days. After that I’ll have two chances at insemination. Those dates can’t be determined until we know when I’m going to ovulate.  After that I’ll take progesterone and it will be a wait and see game.

Wish us luck!!

Semen Analysis Results

They’re not nearly as bad as my husband was making them out to be.  That doesn’t mean we don’t have some issues to work through but it is certainly something we can deal with.

The first issue was volume.  They want to see 1-5 milliliters in a sample and he only had .8 milliliters.  But we knew this was an issue after he gave his sample. He said he was nervous.  The less the volume the less they have to do all these other tests.

His sperm count was OK though.  There was 11.5 million in that .8ml so the doctor wasn’t worried about that at all.  If his next sample has more volume there will be more sperm…of course.

Sperm morphology – not good. this is where we have an issue.  Only 2% of his sperm have a normal shape. Meaning the head/body/tail.  The doctor said he needs to cut out all caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes….basically anything at all that is bad for him.  We already have him on a special vitamin the RE prescribed and a folic acid vitamin, so we just have to basically cut the alcohol out of his diet.

They do think our best shot at getting pregnant is through and IUI which is insemination.  What they’ll do is take another sample from him and then wash it to get rid of all the bad sperm and only insert the good sperm into my uterus.    She does think we should do that in January and that the results of the semen analysis weren’t so bad that we can’t move forward with it. (huge relief)

(on the TTC front)

We’re still working on it.  We’ve had some setbacks though.  My husband’s semen analysis results aren’t good. let me take a little detour on my way to telling you all about my getting the results from the test.

On Friday afternoon on my way home from work I found out that my sister in law is pregnant again.  We started TTC shortly after she got pregnant with their first.  Lilly is now 7 months old and sister in law is 8 ½ weeks pregnant.  So yeah that hurt.  More than I could have ever imagined it would.  Not only because they’re having their second child before we even have one, but because sister and brother in law don’t have a very good relationship.  I’m very well aware that that is none of my business and doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have babies…it’s just  hard to hear she’s pregnant again. 

When I got home I dreaded having to tell my husband the news.  I went to chat with him and he was in a terrible mood. Like as bad as it gets, didn’t want to talk to me, was cussing and saying he didn’t even care if we had kids, and then proceeded to climb into bed at 5:45 on a Friday night and claim to be going to sleep…..all because he had received a voice mail from the RE’s office with his semen analysis results.  What are they you’re wondering? Well he couldn’t tell me because he deleted the message.  He got so angry listening to the bad results he just deleted the message from his phone.  I ended up lying in bed with him for 45 minutes talking, listening, not saying anything, and crying.

So I have no idea what the results are.  Still don’t.  The person I need to talk to is out of the office so I can’t get any answers until tomorrow.  Its driving me crazy. google is driving me crazy. I have been googling “bad semen analysis results” and “ lifespan of semen” and such all afternoon --- well not all afternoon because I do have to work.

The key is my husband has to completely stop drinking.  He has to have a completely healthy diet and then hopefully that will help.  But it’s the holidays, he isn’t going to stop drinking….I mean I wouldn’t want to. Anytime we go to a holiday party I see a beer in his hand and I get dramatic and think, there goes another chance at us having a baby.  I know 1 beer isn’t going to do it, but I also think at this point we need any help we can get.

I’m worried I’ll talk to the dr. tomorrow only to find out we can’t do the IUI in January because his semen isn’t good enough.  He has been taking these special vitamins from the dr., so maybe that’s helped?  I wouldn’t be surprised if he needs to do another semen analysis before we can move forward with the IUI.

p.s. it’s only been a month since I did all that test at the RE’s office and I feel like it’s been months!

The Verdict is in

It’s my husband. His sperm count and mobility are low.  They don’t have the full results yet but that is the big factor in why we’re not getting pregnant.  They said any sort of social drinking or smoking he does has to stop immediately.  He is absolutely willing to do this.

I also ovulate late, which they don’t love, but it isn’t a huge issue.

The RE’s suggestion: Clomid and an IUI(insemination) or Clomid w/ intercourse

But that’s expensive folks, and my insurance doesn’t cover this shit.  So now my husband and I have to decide what to do.

I called him and talked to him about it briefly on my way into work.  He wants to hold off on doing anything over the holidays and then go full gusto in January and do the Clomid and IUI.

I on the other hand hate that we’ll be losing two months.  Sure we can try naturally but our chances are slim.  They’re going to call me this afternoon to see what we want to do.

I’m at a loss. I just don’t know.  I understand where my husband is coming from and think that route might be the best one, I’m just sad that those will be two months I’m not getting pregnant.