I don’t want to hear

·         Ugh the baby woke me up early, #bummerbeingmom

·         My baby is sick and so I had to miss work again today

·         The baby vomited and I can’t do vomit

·         The baby rubbed butt cream everywhere and it was a pain in the ass to clean up. I just wanted to relax.

 

I recognize that being a mom isn’t easy. But when you say things like this to your friend that you know just had a failed IVF cycle, and would do ANYTHING to be a mom…..you’re an asshole.

 

 

**Today marks the one month date from when we found out that IVF didn’t work. don’t fuck with me today.

I'm just going to ramble

Do you remember that line in Home Alone with the mom, Kate McCallister says, “ If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son”.

That’s how I feel, but not about getting home to my son of course, but about having a child.

My mother in law offered last night to pay for another round of IVF for us. I had to tell her no. 1^st, we have the money and I hate taking money from other people, 2^nd Ben is finished.

How do get past wanting something so badly and being willing to do anything to get it, and at the same time deal with the fact that my husband is giving up? Will he feel the same way in a couple of months? Will I resent him eventually for not wanting to do more treatments?

Tuesday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss what happened and what he thinks we should do going forward.  Ben refuses to go but I need answers. My mother in law offered to go, but I think I’ll just go alone.  I’m mad at Ben, I’m hurt by him, by what we’re going through, and by the fact that I feel like he’s making me deal with this alone.

Today

This morning felt better. I felt like I could get out of bed and continue on with my day.

But now not so much. I cry at random times. I don’t have the strength to call my mother in law back and hear her tell me how sorry she is.

My husband hasn’t been to work in 2 days.  I need him to be strong for me but he himself is falling apart. And who can blame him.

How to move on

I don’t know how to do this.  IVF was our last shot at getting pregnant.  We will not continue with fertility treaments.

How does a person move on and accept the fact that they will most likely never have kids?

I read a blog last night of a woman who can’t have children. The entire post was spent bashing women who feel their lives won’t be as good without children in them, other women struggling with infertility. She mentioned that she has a wonderful life, car, house, and is able to travel because she couldn’t have kids.  I would go without everything in order to have children, so who is this woman to put other women down because their dream was to have kids.  To me life is about family, not the material things.

I hope one day Ben and I are able to find peace with what we’re going through. That day isn’t today and won’t be tomorrow. Today we’re sad and angry.

Where to go from here

Its over for us. We didn’t have any embryos survive. I’m at a complete loss.

I don’t where we go from here. Today I’m going to work to try and keep my mind off of everything. I have so much to do and a 5:00 meeting I can’t get out of so I’m just going to immerse myself.

We will eventually have to sit down and talk to the RE. I don’t know how I can do that. I just don’t know.

One step closer

I was shaking calling the RE’s office this morning, I had trouble dialing the phone. My heart was pounding harder making that phone call than when I went bungee jumping in New Zealand.

All 4 embryos continue to grow!!! I am unbelievable excited and relieved.  We have 2 more days of growing and then we can freeze them.

Please keep us in your prayers/thoughts/heart, whatever you believe in.  Thank you all for all your kind words , I am well aware I’m an emotional mess.

Last night Ben made me go out to dinner with some friends to keep my mind off everything and it worked. I was so exhausted when I got home that I passed right out…tomorrow I might just need to hit up the Nordstrom’s Anniversary sale in order to keep my mind off of everything.

My heart is breaking

I feel like I’m losing the last piece of hope we had at having a baby.  I’m sure I’m being dramatic, but Ben has told me many times that if this IVF cycle doesn’t work he doesn’t want to continue on with treatments.

I cried yesterday when I was talking to my sister.

I cried when I talked to the nurse about what only 4 embies means for us (she has no clue)
I cried when laid in bed resting my body after a long days work
I cried when I received a sweet message from a friend

How does one continue to have faith without losing all their marbles.  I can’t sleep, I’m trying to immerse myself in work, my body doesn’t want to exercise yet and is still crampy from Tuesday’s procedure.

I ask myself why people that don’t want babies, can have them.  Why do people that can’t afford a car, or housing, or spend all their money on drugs and alcohol get babies and I can’t.  I’m healthy, but now I’m mad. Mad at my body. Mad at people around me. Mad at my RE. Mad at the

I don’t know. I’m at a loss. I’m praying all of our embryos are strong and growing well. I’m terrified to call the RE’s office tomorrow to see how they’re doing.

FERT Report

We only had 4 mature eggs, but all 4 did fertilize. So that’s good.

We’re a bit disappointed that I didn’t have more mature eggs. I have a called the RE’s office to see what the chances are that the embryo’s make it to day 5 and can be frozen and thawed successfully. They didn’t really have an answer for me since everyone’s situation is so different. They said that the fact that all 4 mature eggs fertilized is a really good sign, but that’s about all advice/words they could give. I have to be patient.  I have to trust in the doctors and God.

We’re quite scared and upset right now. we know we just need to have faith, but its proving to be very difficult.

ER Update/Results

Everything went well yesterday at my egg retrieval. I was nervous going into the procedure but it was over so quickly and they were able to retrieve 9 eggs! Which is a fairly average number, we want quality not quantity.  I did cry when I was waking up from the anesthesia and I totally scared Ben! He was like please stop crying, haha.  I wasn’t sad or in pain, just emotional I guess. So he got me some chicken nuggets and french fries as a treat on our way home from the hospital. They have my eggs so my diet doesn’t need to be sooo strict, er, at least that’s what I chose to believe yesterday. today I’m back on the healthy bandwagon.

There is some change in the IVF cycle plan though. Apparently while we were holding off ovulation with medications my body continued through a normal cycle process and is ready now to implant an embryo.  But science is still 5 days away from implantation.   So whatever eggs are fertilized we will freeze and transfer back into my body next cycle.

So we’re yet again pushed back in this process.  The doctor is very optimistic though with everything that’s happening. He would rather wait to put the embryo into my body, then transfer it back when my body isn’t willing to accept it.

My clinics success rate for freeze/de thaw of an embryo is 95%, and they said there success rates with pregnancy during a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is also almost 100% because they’re able to time and plan perfectly when your body wants to accept that embryo.

So you guys have another month of hearing about me getting injections and taking medicine. But we’re getting closer.

Now we just wait to see how many of my eggs are actually fertilized and make it to 5 days so they can be frozen.  We’re hoping to hear the results of the FERT report (what I just described) sometime today.  So please keep us in your thoughts!!

 

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval

I was at the doctor’s office both Saturday morning and Sunday morning to get blood work done and have ultrasounds to measure and see how everything is going, and things are right where they need to be! I also had to go in this morning for more blood work. I can’t wait until I’m not getting hit with a needle several times a day.

Tomorrow is going to be my egg retrieval.  I’m excited and nervous. I have to give myself an enema tonight which I’m not stoked about.  I mean look at the photos that are on the back of the box. 

 



Yes, in one of those positions I’m supposed to give myself an enema….I mean in option 2 it looks like you would need to have a helper to get it done, and frankly that is even more disturbing than giving the enema in the first place!

Anyways, we have to move on from that because, yeah, eeeww.

Ben and I had a great past weekend and I want to tell you all about it but I’m currently bleeding work. and it doesn’t help that I won’t be here tomorrow, but people will live, and projects will continue. So until then, here is a picture taken in a photo booth at the wedding we went to on Friday night.

Look at us, crazy in love:)

 





Monitoring appt. update

I had a monitoring appt. this morning and all is looking good.

I started my meds on Saturday night and I'm not loving giving myself shots but it’s not as terrible as I had anticipated. I don't really have any side effects yet, a little dizziness yesterday but I’ve upped my water intake and that seems to have taken care of that issue. And I am starting to feel pressure in my abdomen, but its still very slight.

I currently have five follies (which doesn't seem like a lot??). Dr. said I was right on track with where he wanted me to be. One on the right and four on the left and I am awaiting the results of my blood work. I go back on Thursday for another monitoring appt, and probably Saturday. The doctor said that I'll probably have ER sometime mid week next week. so I’m excited and nervous.

I did have them check my AMH (which gauges approximately how many eggs you have left in your ovaries) levels even though he didn't think it was necessary and that came in at 2.1, which he was very happy with. he said anything over 1 is great.

so that’s it. I worry I’m forgetting to ask some important question every time I go in there, but I think that’s just my anxiety.

Happy Monday

I hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend.  Mine had some good and some bad.

First the bad news: one of my chickens died. We think it was the heat, but just aren’t sure.  I’m sad but my father in law says this is just a part of being a farmer:(

On a brighter note regarding the chickens, we were able to get the new chicken coop we built hauled over to our house and all set up.  Our chickens are now living the life! We even planted some lilies around their new house.

 

 

 

What else…oh yes, I started injections which I briefly mentioned yesterday morning.  It’s going fine, day 3 and I already feel like a pro at stabbing myself with the needles.  I’ve only got one bruise, so I’m hoping that means my bruising will be kept to a minimum.  It’s helpful that I’m quite tan right now so bruises wouldn’t be that easy to see.  As for side effects I have had a bit of a headache, but I get them all the time so when I read on the paperwork a headache could be a result of the meds I knew I was destined to  have a continual headache for a bit.  It’s worth it though!

But life doesn’t stop because you want to  have a baby! Thursday and part of Friday I spent some time at the pool. Here is Mabel after she stole my chair! Go get a drink of water and I return to find this little cutie sharing my towel.

 

Yesterday we hit the water and went for a canoe ride. Somehow we were able to finish it in about 3.5 hours so once we were home Ben and I were able to get some flowers planted.  Still lots we want to do, but we'll  get there eventually.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  I leave you with a photo of my husband’s latest obsession: the root beer float!

Through my lens

I’ve been snapping photos on my phone and I never share them.  Here’s what’s been happening this past week in my world!

What I see when I wake up:

Building the new addition for the chickens:

 

Ribs Benny made in the crockpot, soo yummy:

What I see when I’m headed to bed:

A sweet ‘thinking of you’ gift from a friend:

 What I’ve been wearing:

 

 

 

 



Me and my new niece!

Baseline doctor’s appointment

All went well this morning!  My uterus looks good, and all my blood work came back normal.  I was also given all the instructions for my injectable meds.  I start taking them on Saturday and go back into the doctors office on Tuesday and Thursday for monitoring.

The actual egg retrieval will be sometime the week of July 15^th.

I did have to email my bosses to let them know that I was going to be needing some time off for a personal medical issue and they were both very receptive and quite kind.  I mean I didn’t expect them to be mean, but I was pleased with their responses.

Anywhooo I better work:)

Update on Me

We met with the RE this morning to sign all of our final consent paperwork for IVF.  It’s really happening.

I started taking birth control last week to regulate my system, and on Sunday I stop taking it.  Then on July 2^nd I’ll get all my baseline blood work done, which basically just shows if all my levels are on track and not out of whack.

Like how thorough my explanations are?  J

I’m currently feeling good.  I was a bit emotional several times last week and I’m sure that’s because of the birth control, but I was able to control it and continue on.

My body is in great shape, mentally I feel wonderful and relaxed….so it’s just a matter of time.

I want this to work. My sister in law had her baby girl on Sunday night and I got to meet her last night. I’m so in love.  I want that for Ben and I with every piece of me.

RE: my nutritional evaluation

It’s going well.

 Explain to me why people that are on a low carb diet fill up on cheese instead of fruit.  I eat fruit all the time and there are more carbs in fruit than in cheese.  I talked to one of the ladies I work with and she said, just put cheese on your chicken it doesn’t have many carbs.

How does that even make sense! That’s why I’ve never understood a low carb diet. These people cut fruit out of their diets but eat lots of cheese? I’d rather eat fruit and bread than fill up on cheese.

 I thought I would do good at this but I might just fail miserably.  But know that I will ask this question to the nutritionist at the RE’s office that I have to meet and review my daily intakes with.

 So that’s that. Also I feel full and bloated and that doesn’t seem right. I’m trying to up my protein and I just don’t think my body likes it.

Have you been wondering

Where I’ve run off to?

I’m alive. This past weekend was a blast and I was able to spend lots of time with family and friends! My pool party wasn’t all that crazy, but I was perfectly happy with that.  Of course this coming weekend the weather will be amazing and I’m sure I’ll be soaking up some sun!

What else….I started my nutritional challenge for IVF. I’ll tell you how it goes, I’m fairly healthy in general but I eat a ton of fruit which is high in sugars and carbs and they want you to steer clear of too many carbs. 

Tonight is family dinner, and really I’m just trying to get through this week. Lots of work, working out, gardening, and food prep at the house.

 Life is taking over people!

Nutritional Analysis

So before I move forward with IVF I have to do a 3 day nutritional analysis.  Apparently there is some research that shows that high protein low carb diets aid in making an IVF cycle more successful.

So I need to set up to do that. What’s important is that I actually maintain a normal diet while I do it so they know what to adjust.  I do think it’s likely that my diet is OK. I make sure to plan fairly well rounded meals, I eat almonds when I have an apple, I don’t drink caffeine, I do drink alcohol but not much (unless I’m out with my friends), I eat mad veggies…so we’ll see

 They want me to do it ASAP so that if there is something about my diet they want to change I can do it and have a month or so more before my IVF cycle starts to prepare my body instead of adjusting my diet 3 days before my IVF cycle starts.

 I’m thinking of starting it tomorrow and doing Thursday – Saturday. Or maybe I’ll do it next Monday – Wednesday.  I do want to get it so that I’m giving my body every advantage to prepare for this upcoming cycle.

IVF is scheduled for July!

so everything went really well with the RE this morning. I asked him a million questions and we discussed how we're going to move forward with IVF.

One thing I was surprised about was that he said he would only put one embryo back in at my transfer. He was very confident that since Ben's sperm is the issue that once we do the ICSI (this is where they actually inject the sperm into the egg instead of just letting them do their own thing) I won't have any issues and i'll get pregnant. I talked to him more about this and the nurse and she told me after he left that if I really wanted him to put two in he probably would. Ben and I will really have to think about this.

His office only does 5 day transfers and he said their live birth rate is 80%.

They apparently do IVF in batches in their office and they just started a cycle so we can't start until the beginning of July which sucks but at least we're scheduled to start.

oh and their pricing went up but since they had already given me pricing they're honoring that. I will pay for 1 live transfer and freezing any other embryo's and if the first cycle doesn't work than all other cycles until my frozen embryo's are gone are covered in that initial payment the only thing I would have to pay for again are the meds, and the cost of those is very minimal.

so I'm hopeful and excited! if one can say they're excited about having IF and having to go through IVF.

Questions for the doctor...

Tomorrow morning Ben and I meet with the RE to discuss starting IVF. 

I have lots of question and I’ve just finished writing them all up because I’ve been searching and thinking and asking questions about what the heck I need to talk to the doctor about tomorrow. I’ve you’re anything like me you go into a doctor’s appointment with the intention of asking a million questions and then when they ask if you have any questions you say, “um no I think I’ve got it!” with a ton of confidence. And then you walk out and by the time you’ve gotten to your car the smile has faded and you’re questioning calling the doctor right.then.and.there to ask them something you forgot.

Wish us luck tomorrow! I hope my period arriving very early this month doesn’t effect when we can start IVF.