NIAW – National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is upon us again.  There are so many people out there who have struggled, who are still on this painful journey, or who are just starting this journey to motherhood.   After finally getting pregnant, as I wait for my baby boy to join us in this world, I still feel pain. It may have changed, but it’s still there.  and that heartbreaking journey will one day be at the forefront of my head again when my husband and I decide we’re ready for a second child. Don’t discount anyone’s feelings. A new struggle hurts, a long struggle hurts. And if you’ve never struggled to get pregnant, take a second to read this.  It’s something I read a while back and knew I needed to share.

Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvelous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."

The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you nowhere! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! You’re so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."

You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

And a look back at something I posted last year when I was drowning in the hurt of infertility and wondering if being a mother would ever be a reality for me.

http://therowdyroberts.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-poem-about-infertility.html

http://therowdyroberts.blogspot.com/2013/04/national-week-of-infertility-awareness.html

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I am thinking of all my friends and family who have grieved the loss of their child or children, some unfortunately silently.

Over the course of the time I was trying to get pregnant I met a lot of amazing women online who suffered losses.  I am thinking of you all day; and sending you much love and hugs.

Just rambling on

I never wanted my blog to exclusively follow my infertility.  When I started writing it was admittedly about wanting to have a baby and document pregnancy, but as I didn’t get pregnant it became more.  It became a place to talk about my life, home, cooking, dogs...and somehow this past summer when IVF failed I feel like it turned really gray, which truly represented my mood.

I recognize that the past couple weeks have been a lot about my getting pregnant, but I don’t want anyone to think for a second that I’ve forgotten about the journey I’ve been on for the past 22 months. It was hard. It broke my heart, it killed a piece of me.

But I’m alive and happy, and I know I would be even if I wasn’t pregnant. I was dealing with the failed IVF cycle, and what that meant for my family.

So all my friends still struggling with IF, I think about you daily. I think about the struggle daily.  I thank whatever is out there that I experienced what I went through because it made me am who I am today.  I hated every second of it, but it is one of life’s hard curveballs that I had to deal with I guess. I’M STILL ANGRY. I still find myself getting upset when I hear other people are pregnant or got pregnant quickly. Why did I have this struggle?  And so don’t think I’m not thinking about you.

I clearly still have things I need to discuss with my counselor.

Now that I’m pregnant this blog isn’t only going to be about my pregnancy.  Just like infertility did, it will obviously include that aspect of my life, but I do plan on picking back up on writing about cooking, decorating, dogs…

Adoption

Let’s be clear about this. When you know someone is struggling with Infertility do not suggest to them they ‘just adopt’. 

That is like one of the top 5 things you don’t say to someone struggling with infertility.

Not only is adoption expensive, it’s a very emotional decision to make, and not for everyone.

This post isn’t me saying that I wouldn’t adopt, it’s me saying think before you talk to someone struggling with IF.

 

I don’t want to hear

·         Ugh the baby woke me up early, #bummerbeingmom

·         My baby is sick and so I had to miss work again today

·         The baby vomited and I can’t do vomit

·         The baby rubbed butt cream everywhere and it was a pain in the ass to clean up. I just wanted to relax.

 

I recognize that being a mom isn’t easy. But when you say things like this to your friend that you know just had a failed IVF cycle, and would do ANYTHING to be a mom…..you’re an asshole.

 

 

**Today marks the one month date from when we found out that IVF didn’t work. don’t fuck with me today.

Finding someone that’s right for us

I’ve decided that if Ben and I want to have a healthy marriage we need to go to counseling. I looked into counselors several weeks ago and just never pulled the trigger, but we have to.

Ben and I had a very bad weekend full of fighting, crying, him drinking. I basically think he’s miserable and is trying to self-destruct. Drink so his sperm doesn’t get better, make me angry so I’ll want to leave him….honestly. This is some tough shit we’re going through and we’ve made it almost 2 years without needing outside mental support, but we need it now.

So I’m searching for someone that understands infertility. They have to in order to be able to understand the stress this is putting on our marriage.

I’ve talked to Ben about this and he rolled his eyes at me (see good communication) and I basically told him that if he wanted to see our marriage last then he needed to do this with me.  I feel like he’s really let me down and maybe by discussing this in front of a counselor he’ll see how hurt I am by his actions. I need his support and I feel like he’s being selfish right now and not giving me what I need.

 :::Sigh:::

 So this could be me sometime next week. (note that isn’t me even though that person has brown curly hair:J)

 

 

Also something weird. When I went to find the photo you see above this photo of Tyra Banks also came up. don’t know why…

 

all the other photos were like this

 

Celebrity Infertility Awareness

 

I find it so refreshing that celebrities are discussing infertility and making it OK to talk about.  Jimmy Fallon and his wife just announced that their daughter was born via surrogacy and it makes my heart sing.

Check this out – http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/08/09/jimmy-fallon-surrogate-daughter-born/

And of course I love Guiliana and Bill! They’re journey to parenthood has been amazing to watch play out on TV.

So I met with the RE this morning to have my WTF meeting.

basically our issue is still bens sperm. his count is much much better but the quality of the sperm is worse, it went from fair to poor. I don't know what to do. he's changed his diet, basically stopped drinking (until last week), and isn't drinking any caffiene or sugar. the doctor said keep at it and if we want to do IVF again in the future we should do another semen analysis first to see how his sperm is doing.

he did say that it’s totally possible for us to get pregnant on our own, but we have to figure out a way to increase the quality of Bens sperm for that to happen.

I called Ben after the appointment and told him what the dr. said and he is just so upset because our problem is his fault.

I hoped my conversation with him would give him hope, but I think it made things worse.

I’m drinking again

And honestly I don’t like it, I love it! I needed a couple glasses of wine on Saturday night at dinner and I was able to blissfully spend time with friends and family without worrying about life.

Ben is doing better. He is talking about everything and said he is willing to continue to try and get pregnant naturally. He is still very opposed to going back to the doctor. I know I was quite worried I would end up resenting him in the future and thank you everyone for your thoughts on this.  I really really hope that now that he’s past last week’s initial shock of everything that things will turn around for us. we’ll see.

I started my period on Sunday and it’s been hell.  I have always had terrible periods but this one is unbelievably heavy and the cramps were almost unbearable yesterday. I laid around with a heating pad on my belly just tried to focus my mind on the book I was reading instead of my pain.

I am going to go back to working out tonight. It’s been 2 weeks since I did anything and my ass is begging me to move. Generally working out makes me feel better, but it’s just the furthest thing from my mind. Wish me luck tonight because I’m sure I’ll get my butt kicked.

p.s. I’m reading the Harry Potter books right now and I’m loving them. How did I never read these?

I'm just going to ramble

Do you remember that line in Home Alone with the mom, Kate McCallister says, “ If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son”.

That’s how I feel, but not about getting home to my son of course, but about having a child.

My mother in law offered last night to pay for another round of IVF for us. I had to tell her no. 1^st, we have the money and I hate taking money from other people, 2^nd Ben is finished.

How do get past wanting something so badly and being willing to do anything to get it, and at the same time deal with the fact that my husband is giving up? Will he feel the same way in a couple of months? Will I resent him eventually for not wanting to do more treatments?

Tuesday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss what happened and what he thinks we should do going forward.  Ben refuses to go but I need answers. My mother in law offered to go, but I think I’ll just go alone.  I’m mad at Ben, I’m hurt by him, by what we’re going through, and by the fact that I feel like he’s making me deal with this alone.

Today

This morning felt better. I felt like I could get out of bed and continue on with my day.

But now not so much. I cry at random times. I don’t have the strength to call my mother in law back and hear her tell me how sorry she is.

My husband hasn’t been to work in 2 days.  I need him to be strong for me but he himself is falling apart. And who can blame him.

How to move on

I don’t know how to do this.  IVF was our last shot at getting pregnant.  We will not continue with fertility treaments.

How does a person move on and accept the fact that they will most likely never have kids?

I read a blog last night of a woman who can’t have children. The entire post was spent bashing women who feel their lives won’t be as good without children in them, other women struggling with infertility. She mentioned that she has a wonderful life, car, house, and is able to travel because she couldn’t have kids.  I would go without everything in order to have children, so who is this woman to put other women down because their dream was to have kids.  To me life is about family, not the material things.

I hope one day Ben and I are able to find peace with what we’re going through. That day isn’t today and won’t be tomorrow. Today we’re sad and angry.

Where to go from here

Its over for us. We didn’t have any embryos survive. I’m at a complete loss.

I don’t where we go from here. Today I’m going to work to try and keep my mind off of everything. I have so much to do and a 5:00 meeting I can’t get out of so I’m just going to immerse myself.

We will eventually have to sit down and talk to the RE. I don’t know how I can do that. I just don’t know.

Happy Monday

I hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend.  Mine had some good and some bad.

First the bad news: one of my chickens died. We think it was the heat, but just aren’t sure.  I’m sad but my father in law says this is just a part of being a farmer:(

On a brighter note regarding the chickens, we were able to get the new chicken coop we built hauled over to our house and all set up.  Our chickens are now living the life! We even planted some lilies around their new house.

 

 

 

What else…oh yes, I started injections which I briefly mentioned yesterday morning.  It’s going fine, day 3 and I already feel like a pro at stabbing myself with the needles.  I’ve only got one bruise, so I’m hoping that means my bruising will be kept to a minimum.  It’s helpful that I’m quite tan right now so bruises wouldn’t be that easy to see.  As for side effects I have had a bit of a headache, but I get them all the time so when I read on the paperwork a headache could be a result of the meds I knew I was destined to  have a continual headache for a bit.  It’s worth it though!

But life doesn’t stop because you want to  have a baby! Thursday and part of Friday I spent some time at the pool. Here is Mabel after she stole my chair! Go get a drink of water and I return to find this little cutie sharing my towel.

 

Yesterday we hit the water and went for a canoe ride. Somehow we were able to finish it in about 3.5 hours so once we were home Ben and I were able to get some flowers planted.  Still lots we want to do, but we'll  get there eventually.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  I leave you with a photo of my husband’s latest obsession: the root beer float!

I feel like the hits just don’t stop coming

I’ve been MIA.  Work is crazy and I’m going to be on vacation all next week. I need the time off. I need a break to get my body ready for IVF and to decompress a little bit.

So several small things.

• The chickens are great and getting big.  Their coop is holding up well but I already think we’ll need to expand their home.  I forgot to mention when I was talking about the coop that I ordered it through Ebates.  Have you ever used ebates before?  It’s a website that you join and then anytime you do online shopping you go to Ebates website first, log in, and then connect to the website you want to shop on through Ebates.  If you do this than you’ll earn money back on your purchase.  So I earned 5% back on my purchase of the coop and I have a check coming to me in the mail….awesome, right?!

Check it out here –  Ebates

Or you can link to it on the side of my blog. If you join through this link than they’ll send me a little perk, so that would be appreciated!

• I’m totally ready to start IVF. As soon as my period starts I go on birth control to regulate my cycle and then my first blood draw for the IVF cycle is already scheduled for July 2^nd.

• And we have a bit of a health scare happening with Ben right now.  Remember he went to the urologist because he had an infection, but then everything looked good with the exception of a small trace of blood in his urine.  Well because of the blood, which they said isn’t uncommon, they sent him for an MRI. Well apparently the MRI showed a growth of some sort on his hip and they asked that he come in today to see them and review the results. I’m scared.  I pray its nothing serious, but I don’t like that they called him and said come in tomorrow to review your test results.

Did I tell you I’m about to have a week off of work??!! haha yes I did.

 

RE: my nutritional evaluation

It’s going well.

 Explain to me why people that are on a low carb diet fill up on cheese instead of fruit.  I eat fruit all the time and there are more carbs in fruit than in cheese.  I talked to one of the ladies I work with and she said, just put cheese on your chicken it doesn’t have many carbs.

How does that even make sense! That’s why I’ve never understood a low carb diet. These people cut fruit out of their diets but eat lots of cheese? I’d rather eat fruit and bread than fill up on cheese.

 I thought I would do good at this but I might just fail miserably.  But know that I will ask this question to the nutritionist at the RE’s office that I have to meet and review my daily intakes with.

 So that’s that. Also I feel full and bloated and that doesn’t seem right. I’m trying to up my protein and I just don’t think my body likes it.

Have you been wondering

Where I’ve run off to?

I’m alive. This past weekend was a blast and I was able to spend lots of time with family and friends! My pool party wasn’t all that crazy, but I was perfectly happy with that.  Of course this coming weekend the weather will be amazing and I’m sure I’ll be soaking up some sun!

What else….I started my nutritional challenge for IVF. I’ll tell you how it goes, I’m fairly healthy in general but I eat a ton of fruit which is high in sugars and carbs and they want you to steer clear of too many carbs. 

Tonight is family dinner, and really I’m just trying to get through this week. Lots of work, working out, gardening, and food prep at the house.

 Life is taking over people!

Nutritional Analysis

So before I move forward with IVF I have to do a 3 day nutritional analysis.  Apparently there is some research that shows that high protein low carb diets aid in making an IVF cycle more successful.

So I need to set up to do that. What’s important is that I actually maintain a normal diet while I do it so they know what to adjust.  I do think it’s likely that my diet is OK. I make sure to plan fairly well rounded meals, I eat almonds when I have an apple, I don’t drink caffeine, I do drink alcohol but not much (unless I’m out with my friends), I eat mad veggies…so we’ll see

 They want me to do it ASAP so that if there is something about my diet they want to change I can do it and have a month or so more before my IVF cycle starts to prepare my body instead of adjusting my diet 3 days before my IVF cycle starts.

 I’m thinking of starting it tomorrow and doing Thursday – Saturday. Or maybe I’ll do it next Monday – Wednesday.  I do want to get it so that I’m giving my body every advantage to prepare for this upcoming cycle.

IVF is scheduled for July!

so everything went really well with the RE this morning. I asked him a million questions and we discussed how we're going to move forward with IVF.

One thing I was surprised about was that he said he would only put one embryo back in at my transfer. He was very confident that since Ben's sperm is the issue that once we do the ICSI (this is where they actually inject the sperm into the egg instead of just letting them do their own thing) I won't have any issues and i'll get pregnant. I talked to him more about this and the nurse and she told me after he left that if I really wanted him to put two in he probably would. Ben and I will really have to think about this.

His office only does 5 day transfers and he said their live birth rate is 80%.

They apparently do IVF in batches in their office and they just started a cycle so we can't start until the beginning of July which sucks but at least we're scheduled to start.

oh and their pricing went up but since they had already given me pricing they're honoring that. I will pay for 1 live transfer and freezing any other embryo's and if the first cycle doesn't work than all other cycles until my frozen embryo's are gone are covered in that initial payment the only thing I would have to pay for again are the meds, and the cost of those is very minimal.

so I'm hopeful and excited! if one can say they're excited about having IF and having to go through IVF.

Follow Up: Our talk with the In-laws

So we told my IL's about our IF and our upcoming IVF. It didn't go as planned because we were supposed to be doing dinner alone w them and my BIL and SIL showed up. So Ben ended up talking to his dad about it alone and we talked to his mom together about it once everyone left. They were supportive and I told them how much I didn't want anyone knowing. His mom asked me a lot of questions like if we had tried temping and if it was hard for me to be around my niece and I told her it isn't it just reaffirms my desire and reminds me what we're working toward.

I also talked to my mother in law about how worried I was that my father in law was going to be insensitive about the situation and I explained to her why.  She said, I know he can be insensitive and I will talk to him about it.

So it’s done.  I don’t feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m glad we have the support if we need it but I still think that if we didn’t need to tell them for scheduling purposes for Ben’s work I wouldn’t have told them at all.   I don’t like to think about anyone feeling sorry for me or wondering what’s going on or asking questions….

In other news I started my period on Saturday right before we left to go share our news, which sucked.  Sunday I just laid around the house and took advantage of the fact that my husband wanted to do nothing, which never happens!

 I hope everyone had a good weekend!